So There I Was In A Church
by Guile
Summary: SHFF7 drabble collection. So far... Yuri and Cloud, Karin and Tifa, Anastasia and Marlene, Gepetto and Cait Sith, Joachim and Vincent, Kurando and Yuffie, Blanca and RedXIII. Now with more Frank and Hilda.
1. Cloud and Yuri

Hey folks. I've had some weird thoughts recently involving FFVII and Shadow Hearts, and the odd way they seem to synch up, character-wise. I've got ideas for seven drabble-ish things so far, and I might add more if they come to me. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Square-Enix owns all.

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1. Cloud and Yuri: On Saviours and Devious Little Women

Cloud shook his head. "Why would you need a bodyguard when you have him lounging about?" He jerked his head at the black-clad guy leaning against a nearby wall. Aeris smiled cheerfully. "Oh, a girl can never have too many bodyguards." Cloud threw up his hands in defeat.

Yuri snorted rudely. "I know how you feel. I can't believe I'm doing this shit _again_."

---

The Turk tailing the unsuspecting flower girl had just enough time to see two identical smirks before he was dragged into a convenient alley and had the shit kicked out of him.


	2. Tifa & Karin

2. Karin and Tifa: On Kicking Ass and taking Names in a Miniskirt

Cloud wandered into the 7th Heaven bar just in time to catch Barrett ogling as Tifa and her new friend knocked back something potent. Her new drinking buddy had a thick mane of red hair, a blade on her hip, and was wearing a tight shirt and a mini-skirt. Tifa giggled and replied to something the other woman had said. "That's nothing. Have you ever tried a high kick and watched them keel over before you even touch them?"

Cloud just shook his head.


	3. Marlene & Anastasia

3. Anastasia and Marlene: On Martinis

Anastasia hugged the younger girl. "That's so neat! Can you teach me how to do that? The servants wouldn't let me do stuff like that in a million years. I bet I could give Daddy a heart attack."

Marlene smiled. "Sure. Now, here's what you do..."

Barrett looked on in paternal pride as his little girl taught the Russian princess how to mix a good martini. It was good that his little girl was making friends.


	4. Cait & Gepetto

4. Gepetto and Cait Sith: On Puppets and Bad Touching

Cait looked nervously at the old man who was watching him with a look in his eyes that made the robotic cat uncomfortable. He wasn't without enemies, after all, and the big green coat the old timer wore looked like it could hold all sorts of things. "So... anyway..." He turned back to the young girl who'd wanted to get her fortune read. And so he'd barely seen the flash of movement out of the corner of his eye.

"Hey! Don't touch me there! That's private, that is! No, wait - I need that to liiiiiiiive!"


	5. Vincent & Joachim

5. Joachim and Vincent: On Vampires and Mistaken Identity

Cloud pushed at the hidden door, watching as it opened ponderously on rusty hinges. He stepped through.

Inside were three caskets. He strode to the middle one and rapped cautiously on the lid. He leaped back with a start as the coffin lid slid aside, and a massive man-shaped creature, rippling with muscles and covered with little blond braids, rose up. "Who would dare," he boomed, "to awaken me from my slumber?" Then he seemed to actually notice Cloud. The braided man deflated immediately. "Oh, it's you. You'll be wanting the casket over there." He jerked his thumb to indicate the casket on the right. "Now beat it. I need my beauty sleep."

And for the first time in the annals of Final Fantasy, a hero did facefault.


	6. Yuffie & Kurando

6. Kurando and Yuffie: On Bodyguarding and Annoying Ninja Princesses

Kurando looked up at the rapid, staccatto pounding of feet that heralded the young woman he was supposed to be guarding. "Yuffie-hime, what...?" The ninja princess made a flying leap over him, before cowering behind the Japanese blademaster and peeking over his shoulder. She whispered, "You're my bodyguard! So... guard!"

An old man, a dog, and a young man in black skidded to a halt when they saw the young man and his charge. Yuri pointed accusingly and shouted, "Hey, we worked our asses off for those Crests! Give 'em back!"

It all clicked into place for the bodyguard. Kurando sighed heavily. He turned to look at his princess. "Yuffie-hime, you really should stop doing th..."

But the ninja had already run off.

Kurando felt around under his kimono. Yes, she'd taken his money pouch, too.

He supposed he should feel thankful she'd left him his clothes this time.


	7. Red & Blanca

7. Blanca and Red XIII: On Stupid Humans

Blanca barked emphatically. Red XII looked over at the mingling humans doubtfully. "Oh, I don't know," he replied. "I don't think he seems especially dim-witted. No more than most bipeds, anyway. Besides, _my_ human is bona fide crazy," he added. "Totally out of his little blond head. Beat that one." If one looked closely, one might have said the white-furred wolf was grinning as he yipped, barked, and growled in response. Red blinked, and let his tongue loll out of his mouth in amazement. "Wow. That _does_ beat mine. He really...?" He shook his head, a human gesture he'd picked up from somewhere. "A giant pink cat named Andre, huh?"

Red looked around covertly, before leaning in to deliver his trump card. "Well... my human tried out cross-dressing once."

Blanca stared at the blond with the enormous sword speculatively. Somewhere out there, there was actually a human weirder than Yuri? He felt... cheated, somehow.

Though he had had to skip dimensions to find him.


	8. Cloud & Yuri: Part Two

8. Cloud and Yuri: On the Importance of Size

"What do you think? Pretty big, right?"

"Man, shut the hell up."

"Aw, c'mon. Let's see what you've got, Yuri. ... ... hm. Six inches. Maybe eight. A little small, don't you think?"

"I swear to God, Strife, if you don't shut the _hell_ up... and anyway, it's not the size that counts, it's how you _use_ it!"

"... You poor, poor thing. Here, you can touch it if you want."

"Get that thing out of my face, Cloud!"

Barrett hurried away, a look of horror in his face. He'd heard way... _way_... more than he wanted to know about Cloud's leisure time.

- - -

Yuri looked up. "Did you hear something?"

"Sorry," Cloud grinned. "I couldn't hear anything over the sound of my weapon _totally_ kicking your weapon's ass."

Yuri hugged his claws to his chest protectively.

- - -

A/N: Woah. Where did this come from? Still, I'm doubt I'm the first person to make fun of Cloud's choice in weapons, and I doubt I'll be the last. I'm pretty sure I had another one of these around here somewhere, but damned if I can find it now.


	9. Yuffie & Frank

Yuffie and Ol' Frank: Match Made in... Somewhere

Cloud looked up, feeling a premonition. Between all the mako in his blood and his ex-girlfriend being one with the life stream, he could get downright psychic sometimes.

So he could say with some certainty: something annoying this way comes.

Then he saw the Wutaian princess and a middle-aged man in a red ninja outfit, with the unusual addition of a metal demon face chestguard and a dangly little ball of light hanging from his metal forehead protector like an angler fish, coming up the road.

"Oh my gawd, why are you still following me around?" Yuffie whined. She kicked the guy hard enough to knock him over, but he popped right back up like one of those wobbly dolls you got at the fair sometimes, completely unharmed. She just didn't have the brute force to be an effective brawler, and her upper body strength was roughly equivalent to Cait Sith - without the Mog.

"My princess," boomed the over-the-top 40-something ninja. "Ol' Frank has vowed to serve you with his life!"

"Hey Yuffie," Cloud said cautiously, wondering if he could get out of this without drawing the weirdo's attention. "If you're here to talk to Tifa, she's over at the church today."

Yuffie drooped. "Yeah, okay. Mind if we stay here for the night? I could use some familiar faces. Oh yeah, Cloud, Frank. Frank, this is Cloud."

"When I checked back in to Wutai, Frank here was waiting for me. Apparently he just showed up one day, set up camp and refused to leave. He's totally sure it's his destiny to be my bodyguard or something and _we can't make him leave_. The guards just about laughed him out of the pagoda 'til he stomped the Five Mighty Gods flat while wielding a decorative _shisaa_ statue." Frank did in fact have one of the protective lion-dog statues slung over his shoulder, with a sword hilt attached to its rear end.

Cloud realized it was going to be one of those days. He waved them inside the bar. "Come on in, guys."

Frank's eyes fell on the beat-up old jukebox, and widened. "Such a magnificent device!"

"Oh no," Yuffie groaned.

"Such emotion, such power to move the human spirit! Ol' Frank can sense many years of sorrow, of joy, of love and pathos! People pouring all their feeling into you, like a vessel filled with hope and dreams and country music!"

He was addressing the jukebox.

Without another word, Frank lifted the music machine and fitted it with a hilt, like the world's most ungainly sword. And coming from the guy who lugged around first a Buster Sword and then his six-in-one blade First Tsurugi, that was saying something.

"Oh my gawd! Don't do that, Tifa's going to kill me!"

Frank just patted his new weapon appreciatively, ignoring her foot-stomping rage.

Cloud was resting his chin in his palm, grinning beatifically. It was the kind of amazing smile that reminded Yuffie why she used to - kinda - have a thing for him. The karaoke machine had been Tifa's idea, not his; he wouldn't miss it. And it was worth the show. "Sounds like turn-about is fair play, hmm, Yuffie?"

The Wutaian princess's mouth dropped open. "What! What did I do to deserve someone who-"

The savior-of-the-world-turned-delivery-boy tapped First Tsurugi - his custom-made monster of a sword - where the materia slots should be meaningfully.

"Oh, what, so just because I once -"

"-or twice," Cloud interjected.

"-stole you guys' materia and ran off doesn't mean I deserve-"

"Yep," Cloud interrupted again, amused. "Do Wutains believe in karma? Sure seems like it, to me."

Yuffie stamped her foot again. "Geez, are you _still_ holding that against me?"

"Yuffie, what a thing to say," he admonished serenely.

Absently, he patted his materia reassuringly. Don't worry, boys, the mean ol' ninja won't be stealing you again. "Frank, can I get you a drink?"

- - -

A/N: I never quite figured out what Cloud and Tifa's job descriptions were in Advent Children. Messenger service/orphanage/bartender?

Anyway, I finally got around to playing Shadowhearts 3, and it is as full of insane goodness as the first two ever were (like Ol' Frank here), albeit no Yuri.

Anyhow, a little longer than a drabble this time, but I doubt you guys will complain too much, right?


	10. Vincent & Hilda

10. Vincent & Hildegard; Meeting the Family.

The lovely little creature in black and pink silks hauled the unwilling Vincent Valentine forward, pulling with strength that far surpassed what her lithe frame should allow. She was tugging the reticent former Turk forward easily with her grip on his wrist, despite the inconvenient fact of his topping her by at least a foot and probably sixty pounds of lean muscle.

The only way he could break her limpet-like grip would be to pop a Limit and transform into something large, hairy and bad-tempered, and he wasn't quite at that level of desperation. Yet.

"Look what I found!" she crowed happily to the half ring of tall men, fair-haired but as pale-skinned as Vincent himself.

One young, particularly beautiful young man raised an aristocratic eyebrow. "And who is this? Has someone managed to replace Johnny in my dear sister's affections?"

The slip of a girl's delicate pink tongue licked her chops at the thought of her favorite snack. Keith briefly remembered why Johnny always got a free spin at his lottery wheel; he wouldn't wish his sister on anyone.

"No, no," she assured Keith. "This is Vincent Valentine. Who knew we had family out this way?"

Keith's eyes fell on the new unfortunate Hildegard had set her eyes on. "Do you like playing the lottery, Vincent?" He asked diffidently. It looked like Johnny wasn't the only one who could use a free spin anymore.

Hilda ignored her brother, instead getting up into Vincent's personal space. She reached out a hand and lightly scratched her well-manicured nails against his skin as she gripped his chin, admiring his fine bone structure and handsome face.

"Well," she said, drawing out the word playfully. "Every good superhero needs a sidekick."

Vincent didn't like where this was going.

"I was Joachim's sidekick when I was younger, so it only makes sense that I get the new guy," she explained.

"Welcome to the family, Vincent," Joachim said warmly. He dropped a hugely muscled arm around Vincent's shoulders. "You seem a good man. Please take care of our little sister. The sidekick is a crucial part of any hero of justice."

Vincent looked around at the group of blonds and made his decision.

His red cloak rose to surround him in a tattered shroud, and he took off into the sky like a red comet.

"Hmph," Hilda pouted audibly. In a shower of pink sparks, she transformed into a fuzzy pink bat. Her little wings motored, releasing sparkles and sending her winging into the air after him.

"You cannot escape Hilda so easily!"

Keith silently wished the man luck.


End file.
